Mr Spooner’s finest hour was in response to this article, ‘Fears over mass demo in Brighton’:
It’s from December 29th 2009 – has this been going on that long?
“Charlotte Vere, it is good to see you again! Do you remember when you organised a birthday party for my horse? He was so excited, he was leaping about for days beforehand at the prospect of his special day. I had promised him a parade of clowns and Charlotte did me proud, arranging for ten of the little white-faced devils to march around the stables, in order to bring glee to the day of my mighty horse.
Alas, as the morning broke, what should happen but a complete absense of clowns! Not a single harlequin was tapping oversized feet, and great salty tears fell from the eyes of my poor mighty horse. “Charlotte!” I exclaimed “Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns!”
It was then that you spoke. In a deep rumbling voice you intoned that the cost of the clowns far exceeded the need for happiness of my mighty horse. I own a business in the leisure sector and was very keen to chip in, in a friendly Lord Ashcroft manner, but you would hear none of it. Instead you presented my dear horse with a paper plate containing a mound of jelly. This, Ms Vere, was supposed to suffice for the parade of clowns that had been promised.
For shame! If you cannot even organise a birthday party for a horse, how could you possibly be the MP for Brighton Pavilion. Next year I shall be asking Nancy Platts to organise the party. My horse has demanded ten dwarves with trays of champagne on their heads. I am sure this can take place. Caroline Lucas is busy, apparently.”